Just For A Time...I Was Normal!

©Sharon Rose 

 

For a moment I was “normal”! A long period of joy, real joy. Life
had meaning again. My heart jumps, beating with yours. Life
seems worth living worth waking, breathing freshness, from
your smile. You just added meaning. Mornings, just going to
workout, sunshine, sunrises, sunsets, fresh air in the
Smokey’s, rising smoke fogs. Seeing your face and the light
in your eyes again! Hoping the best, so many things I wanted
to say. I did not. How could we ever “BE” again. You respected
me, for awhile. For a long time, I felt like I was “normal” thank
you for that. Thank-You for denying, ‘your fine’. Just that, was
so grand. If I shall pass before you I shall be your witness
in the heavens, shouting how glorious our short time together
was, just being us. No show, no pretentions, laughing, having
our toddies, just music & dancing around the house.
The beautiful decks watching the colors of the sky
changing season after season. The snow with fireplaces,
even the air mattress until we got a bed in. Little Gabby was
coyote bait and we did not even know. Poor thing, the laughing
so undignified out loud! So much fun, so little time!
All this time I felt like I was “normal”! All the miles we drove
to see all of our family. Other than the birth of my two children.
You should know that you made my life bearable for the
entire duration. So many words I wanted to express to you.
So many pleasures you let me experience! dearheart, you
will never know how wonderful it was just to be treated “normal”.
Respected and cared for like I was a real person. Too bad, someone
told you, you would never have changed. It is so sad now. I do not
want to get to know anyone new. Too old to care anymore.
Unless it is you. Just you to escort me places. I felt safe and
assured, confident, completely trusting another human on this
earth. Which is a first for me. I suppose the last, as I do not
venture out anymore. I no longer feel “normal”! I guess I am
not “normal” to you anymore. You were told, so there it was. A head
 injury has many names, some of them are scary.  Otherwise I am
healthy but, I could no longer BE “normal” ! No longer could we BE
ourselves. Because you are not normal either. Two healthy people
began to fail, in love, in life, back into the sad realities of this
world, no longer loving, being loved, caring was drifting away.
Rumors of pestilence, disease, and no longer was I the apple
of your eyes. No longer did you want to love me.
Apparently embarrassed by what useless others had to say about me.
That person never knew me, never even had a conversation. Not one
real conversation to know me, I heard their cries, whining,
complaining lies. Never did they meet me, Sharon Rose, assumed
they could believe what they thought they saw. Sometimes what you
think you see is not what you think. You cannot believe everything you
see, appearances are deceiving, just like jumping to conclusions.
I thank you for the “normal” life you gave me! It was the only one
I had ever gotten to live. I have lived many lives before in this world
and I really appreciate you and your generosity. I am actually
the person you met and fell so deeply in love with, when I am
allowed to be me. Which since you are the only person to have
met me and talked to me, there you have it. I love church as long as
they stick to the words of Him. I love people as they love others.
That is the best I can do, so now apparently I no longer can love.
I guess, I may never be “normal” again. Quietly I sit day after day,
the abnormal muse, to be tiptoed around because, no one really
knew me outside of one chapter of an old book they twenty or
thirty years ago. Thank you for our travels, sorry I was just a muse.
I was ‘normal’ walking on the beach looking at the lighthouse as the
dolphins played and played three feet from us in the inlet. Never
being that close to dolphins in the wild is such an experience!
Thank you for that normal day, thank you for all the museums, and
the art and the driving me All the places, plantations, parks, designing
the cabin and God’s view He had reserved just for us.
All quite amazing! Sharing with you all the sights, tastes of our travels.
The general population is of the belief that it is inappropriate to be so 
happy and happy is abnormal, so here we are.  Apart, lonely, of course 
you are not you have the dog. Their honeymoons were over lifetimes ago,
and spending lifetimes making sure those around them also have no 
smiles. Remembering a flashback in my working days, "I will see if I can 
wipe that smile off her face!" Of course unknown to them it took years 
of meds and blood work to get me back to me! Many times I had wished 
life was so easy as Prozac, for me at least. A long series of trials and errors
finally! Me, a little more happy than most, but it is me.  Do not be 
embarrassed, insisting that many will not notice. Well, apparently most of 
the world is only superficially smiling. Upon seeing the genuinely happy;
they are taken to spite as they let the honeymoon of life; loving God
and your true love, then our love for others; be over and resume an
oppressive life and oppressing those around them. How sad! Now
since you found the real me so repulsively happy; I am pleased
to report that you have indeed stolen the joy that took God eight years
to rebuild. You were our new beginnings so I thought.  Not
to worry, I see you trolling for your next joyful person so you may spread 
your disease of normal onto them and their family as well. I am sorry I 
took you home for Christmas, embarrassed I took you to the reunion, 
because you are missed. Instead of smiling in the mist of the lost, you 
took the gossip of the lost personally and let them like you and betray a 
trust we all thought we saw in you that you could love and learn to like 
them back. Smiling would have helped them all. They have been through 
so much! But, Thank you for your patience and that one perfect year you 
pretended to be someone I could love. When you choose to love someone
you choose to guard your hearts so others cannot interfere neither distract
you from loving God and your partner. It seems no one really gets the
verse at all. Thanks for the fairy tale. The end is killing me.
Love or betrayal, none of us will ever know the truth. Except you?          
Thank you, TJ Spackman. (Spacky)

Devastation in Grace! ©Sharon Rose

As I attended to my very best friend, she was always as pleasant as she could be. Lovingly in my eyes she could do no wrong. My very best friend, you know the one. The one who calls everyday no matter what! Maybe even three times a day if she wants. Yes that's right you mother! How terrible life is without her and her calls. Devastation is the very word! Maybe desolation, even. Although grace had never left her as she mild mannerly chose the worst way to make her exit. In the very worst hospital known to man, gasp. Respecting her wishes the ambulance came and her descent down the steps in a fireman's carry in the biggest downpour of the season. The paramedics cover her head to keep her dry as they must do a transfer into an ambulance gurney from the seated fireman's carry. Deep within my soul writhing in emotional pain knowing that is the last time mother would ever see her home again.

Try as she may with all the speech therapy, physical therapy, and learning to eat and swallow with intermittent Tia's or faints. His grace just dealt her heart too short a time to carry her otherwise healthy body to a full span of time deserving of such a graceful beauty as my mother. Watching the panic on my father's face and the disappointment of her heart's failure to push circulation through her lungs properly. Seeing the emotions of those around her whose love for her was indestructible! Her beauty to us always masked how poorly her body was functioning on the inside. She would never complain, although we had brought her home to pass she was to return at the end.

You see the end is the extreme sad reality. My father had to do all her care until we could arrive and mother was indeed alone in the nursing facility for as long as 8 to 10 hours where we found her to be so truly neglected that we knew it would be curtains for all those when their turn to face the end came. The actual truth in life's long lesson is; what true grace you give can be what true grace you receive at your own end! Sorry to say we tried three of the best skilled nursing bed hospital in the area. Brand spanking new one story sprawls out in the beautiful countrysides of ten buck two. All three we tried were useless, as she lay for hours in bed unable to dress herself, feed herself or raise herself up in the bed. We knew as we shifted our hours and kept changing locations to see if we could leave her even if only for the night. After all she was one of the fortunate with excellent health care and medicare and God's grace just made it that way thanks to my father.

Unknown to them she had a cell phone in her big thick robe and we could time them and hear all their movements. She was a very kind and patient woman and would never complain. She would wait an hour before she would call us an hour do you know how cold it is for someone covered only in a sheet to wait and hour to get fully dried and dressed or at least have a blanket and be tucked in somewhat. To sit there and be looking at your tray of food and know you cannot gather the strength to feed yourself and your vocal cords are too tired to complain. Of course we decided to bring her home and she had actually had better care in her own living room with all the staff coming in instead of her suffering in an institution. Could she have possibly benefitted home care immediately after coming off the ventilator and out intensive care. Absolutely! It may have made the difference in the quality of the end!

Although you only get so many heartbeats in a lifetime you never get to meet someone with a real heart unconditionally like my mother.